(WASHINGTON) The founder of the web site WikiLeaks is preparing to drop his next bombshell this weekend, and this time it won''t just be adults who are upset.
Julian Assange announced this morning that he is preparing a massive document dump from the archives of Santa''s Workshop. Among the alleged revelations: children''s wish lists are routinely ignored, the elves'' pension fund was depleted to pay for lavish clothing-optional raves, and a series of diplomatic cables from the North Pole call on Washington to launch a full-scale invasion of Iran.
"These documents, which are now being sifted through by journalists at The New York Times, Le Monde and Der Spiegel, will expose the secret dark side of someone who portrays himself as a jolly old elf," said Assange in an interview with The Financial Times.
When asked about the imminent document dump, Herman Johnson, 13, of Hoboken, New Jersey, said he wasn''t surprised. "Last year Santa brought me pickup sticks. Oh, whee." When asked what Claus had actually promised him in 2009, Johnson said, "Oh...Wii." Other children, who asked not to be identified, made similar accusations:
Mr. Claus also reportedly ordered his operatives to gather intimate details on the personal lives of the Easter Bunny, Father Time, Dreidelman, the Tooth Fairy and Punxsutawney Phil. All declined comment pending a review of the documents. In a brief statement, Cupid expressed disappointment that he wasn''t considered an important enough holiday icon to warrant secret surveillance.
According to Assange, obtaining the information was relatively easy. An elf with top-level security clearances reportedly brought a flash drive to work labeled Bob Rivers Twisted Christmas, then erased the music files and replaced them with the classified data. "He even pretended to sing along with The 12 Pains of Christmas to fool the guards," said Assange. The elf, who no longer works for Claus, could not be reached either at home or his new dental office.
This weekend John McCain and Newt Gingrich will appear on Meet the Press, This Week, Face the Nation, Washington Week, and throughout the day on CNN and Fox News to fume over the leaks and whatever else is bubbling in the dark reaches of their calcified minds.
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